where faith dies, there is hope.

Blogophilia Week 48.5 topic:  Where Faith Dies, There is Always Hope
Bonus Points: 
(Hard, 2pts):  Use the same sentence as a first and last line
(Easy, 1pt):  Include 2 musical instruments




  Where faith dies, there is always hope.  Well  this can bring me to a place I have been before.  Have you ever been betrayed by a friend or a significant other or family. Your faith in them dies when you are betrayed. Often then we lose our faith in God for letting us go through something traumatic, But you can always hope that your faith in those can be rebuilt.

     I have had to rebuild my marriage from the bottom up . Hence last weeks blog on peeling back the layers. I think the third blog I wrote but having felt like that daughter poem growing up.  I think we all can lose faith in something but to know there is always hope in rebuilding it and starting fresh and anew. Brings us back to having faith in something again.  I had lost a friendship years ago over my having brain surgery. Friends did not know how to deal with me becoming fully disabled. Dealing with seizures was easy compared to a friend with partial paralysis not being able to run or walk like I  once could so some of those friendships died and some were brought back. Hope in knowing you never fully lost them as your friend is so great.  

 I dont think I have ever lost  faith in  god but I do know I kind of back slid when I was going through so much at one time. But today to have hope in my faith in god brings me such peace and its a wonderful thing to have in my life to be surrounded by so many in my church that love me and take me as I am.  I am blessed beyond belief even in my marriage today I am thankful that god used his trumpets and flutes to  bring solace in my life and to rebuild that hope that  was once lost  a few years ago. Where faith dies, there is always Hope.

Twenty Years later……..The Day that Changed My Life

 

me 3 weeks after Brain Surgery Dec.1991

     As the days drew closer, I became more excited about this day, because I knew this would be the day that would change my life forever. Not knowing….. How my life would be forever changed? That was the scariest part of it all. Will I survive without side effects? Will I survive with side effects? Worst yet, will I die? Brain Surgery would change my life in a way I would not know until I woke up, if I wake up? It was a day I will never forget.

     It was Dec.5, 1991. There were several events that led me to this day in my life. I distinctly remember this day. I had to be at the hospital the day before for pre-operative procedures. It was that day that I prayed to God, that he may do what he saw fit, but I asked only that if I were to live I could live a decent life. I did not want to be brain dead or like a woman I saw after her surgery where she wanted to be waited on hand and foot with no side effects from her surgery.    There were three possible side effects that could hhappen. I had 3% chance of having a heart attack, a stroke or losing my peripheral vision. The morning of surgery I had to have my beautiful long hair shaved completely off. I was not scared until I heard my mom nearby, then I became NERVOUS. My OR (operating room) nurse was wonderful. She said, “If you like, I’ll hold your hand through the entire surgery”. I said, “Yes I’d like that.”
       During the operation I had a slight stroke. That was the moment I died for a brief minute or two. That is when I was floating above my body, which lay on the operating table. I could see the doctors and nurses work diligently on my lifeless body. I was kept in a medically induced coma for a few days on the third day I awoke. I woke up from a long sleep a changed person, mentally, physically and emotionally. My life was altered in a way I did not understand. I just knew my life would never be the same. My life from then on out was averted to pure determination. My attitude changed 180 degrees. My body was different as well.
     I would have to learn to do so much all over again like a baby does. I was determined to conquer each one. The first was to walk again with partial paralysis on the left side of my body. I learned to walk with a large quad cane first. It was a process I took day by day. It took me nine months to gain back my ability to where I could walk without a gait belt. Life after brain surgery made me even more determined to graduate from high school. I fought hard to earn my high school diploma. I even had to fight the school district to get it. It was several months after graduation that I obtained my diploma. I graduated in May2011 from University of Maryland University College with my Bachelors of Science in MGMT with a concentration in Philosophy.      In conclusion two important things came from this day. First, I became closer in my relationship with God and with my parents. Secondly, I gained a new respective towards life. I would not trade this day for anything. It has taught me so much and has made me a stronger and better person. My life is definitely better today, even with a disability. This day changed my life forever in many ways. Never give up on your hopes and dreams. Keep shooting for the stars no matter how long it takes you to get there!!

    In the 20 years I have learned  from God that there is No why Me? I am not entitled to anything. He loves me and he has given me the ability to forgive all the past hurts that was done to me by others and I feel no hate, resentment, or anger towards those people who caused it. But I also learned thru forgiveness does not mean I trust them or do I need to like them it means I am able to let go and move forward in my life. I took control back of my life. I know thru God all things are possible.  I know this I have big dreams and aspiratrions and I will continue to fight for a job or eventually just open my own business so I can live my life according to gods will.  I am just grateful for everything I have in my life. I am thankfu; to have such wonderful parents here on earth and for  great friends and   for a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters!   Who of thought I get this far in life. Many told me I would npt graduate Highschool nor college. I am here to tell you anyone can do anything they put their mind to it  with faith, hope and god  you can do it!! I cant believe it has been 20 years already! Heres to another 20 years! When I die for good. I want to leave a legacy behind about my positiveness, of laughter,  of helping others and a sense of you can accomplish whatever you want in this life. I want people to see  that life can be happy regardless the circumstance!

 me Nov.2011

    

Blessed regardless the circumstances!

 Rergardless the circumstances I have faced been challenged with and overcame. I am BLESSED! No one  has a Perfect life, butt the Lord God Almighty. My life began on November 14, 197? . when I was 10 months old I fell off my parents bed onto a cermamic tile floor knocking myself unconscious. My dad said I was turning blue by the time I got to the hospital. They then transported me to St.Louis,Childrens Hospital.  Where I was observed for 6 hrs unconscious. They were just about to wisk me away to the OR and operate on my brain, when I woke up.  Wow can  we say "God Moment". I was blessed bc what could have happend if  they had gone through with the unneeded brain surgery. I have learned there is a rule of thumb if you do not wake at that 7 hr mark they do surgery to alleviate any kind of undue swelling or pressure building up on  your brain. Of course today tehcnology is 1000% better and ppl are not undergoing undue orr unwarranted surgery as guinea pigs today like in the past.     A few weeks later my parents noticed something was not right, I get rushed into  Childrens oediatric Neurology clinic undergo testing and find out I have a seizure disorder called Epilepsy. I had what was called Complex Partial Seizures! Wow a double whammy !!  
      So I went thru many different medications which only would work for a time then Id have to switch.  I had three near drowings growing up . One at the lake where my uncle had property. Then when I was a teenager I had a seizure at the high school pool where I started going under my dad could not get to me bc he had a leg/foot cramp.  Then I started swimming straight to him and grabbed his leg pulled up and dont remember the seizure. It felt like I was just swimming to him except I felt more tired.   then when my first born was six months old i fell in shallow water going under I could not raise myself up. I kept yelling take the baby to my mom . Finally she grabbed her I was then able to get a grip of the surface to get myself up. Yeah I was scared as hell then bc I knew I was drowning. It was the scariest feeling iu ever had!. I did not want to die that way.  I vowed that day forward to never go in shallow water . Im actually very fearful of shallow water to swim in.   
     I have enmdured countless surgeries in my life 20 to be exact 6 were kid surgeries like  tonsil/adenoids and tubes. But I have had to go thru multiple orthopedic surgeries in my life as well as a few bigger operations. Brain Surgery being the biggest of them all. But surgery is surgery despite how big or little the procedure. I am blessed regardless how many surgeries Ive endured and I kno there are still going to be a few more bc of ongoing problems I still have, but regardless the circumstance I dont blame God. Hes blessed me with the gifyt to still breathe fresh air every morning I awake.  My kids are healthy, my parents are well, and I'm blessed with great friends! God is goood all the time, all the time god is good!. Blessings come in all sizes. It is what we do with them that matters.   Live like it was your last. Love a lot, Laugh more and embrace life to the fullest!

Forgiveness

  Today is going to be on forgiveness.  Anyone can say I forgive you, them, him , her. But honestly true forgiveness comes from deep within ones Soul. What do I mean. Im going to be blatantly honest here.
     As I child I grew up in a loving caring home. not always the best of times . I had a seizure disorder growing up. My dad did not know how to handle a child with a disability as slight as it was. He was very worried about me. But my life turned to hell about the Age of 5 or 6. Thats when  my life was turned upside down til I was about 16. I was sexuallyy abused by a family friends  son. I will never mention his name.

    But my journey to firgiveness began after brain surgery. After brain surgery for 4 years I had night sweats, panic  attacks, and relived my nightmares from the abuse I had put away in another world bc those flashbacks came flooding back  in a fury. I am a christian. At the time I was Catholic. i had this beautiful picture of Jesus hung in my room next to my bed. It was March/April 1995, I had not slept a solid night since I had come home from the hospital in Jan1992. I laid in my room screaming out to my mom  to get my dad home. I had to tell him . Mind you I was 18. never told anyone for fear of what could happen to me and my fIamily. I saw what my dad nearly did to my own grandfather for the stuff he did to me. 

     Two years  later, after telling my dad  I went in my room shut the door. I laid on my bed crying in pain to the Lord God Almighty. I said, father I can not live this way any more. I can not do this. What am I to do. He said forgive. I said I will only be able to forgive if you help me. If it is your will father thru you I will forgive the people who abused me. Just then the holy Spirit came thru the pictrure and ran thru my body. I felt such a peace like no other.  i later called the guy to ask him if he remembered. He never denied what he did. I told him he made my life miserable but he was forgiven. I felt such a liberation in telling him that. I hold no grudge against him . 

      Just because you forgive does not mean you forget the past. It is there. But the true depth of  spiritual forgiveness means you can find peace and move forward without angst or that feeling of hurt. I can talk of him to family and friends but I hold no anger towards him or ill will nor my grandfather. It is what it is. I came out on Top though bc I chose to not let them control me anymore. Thru Jesus you can achieve all things.  I have since come to forgive family members and school bullies much the same way thru Jesus.  I can say Im winning my life bc of it.    Forgiveness comes from deep within your soul. Pray to god ask him to help you forgive whatever hurts in your life so you are able to let go and feel peace  in your life . Life is too short to hold onto grudges.  Be well, be blessed, live, love, laugh and learn always!

Kim

My candid story!

Hello everyone! I wanted to be very open and honest about me. It will be 20 years ago this December, that I had brain surgery that would change my life forever. I had a stroke during the surgery that left me partially paralyzed on my left side.I had to fight to graduate from high school after graduation. It was a miserable time for me. But i knew one thing God was there for me.

I was so morbidly obese from my inability to move like I once could aand I would eat late at night. In 2000, I underwent gastric bypass surgery. it was amazing ! In 2000 I dropped down to my lowest weight in 20 year 160lbs. I looked good and felt great! I like who I was and what I looked like so thin! I was walking 6 miles a day doing 2,000 crunchies a day! I was enjoying life. Then I was in a bad car accident in 2002 that set me back because of my lungs. In 2003, I gave birth to my second child, what a blessing.

          When she was 8 weeks old i fell up an escalator with her and as she landed upside down in her carrier going up the escalator I had my knee go behind my back being dragged up the escalator 3/4 the way till some1 finally stopped it. That pretty much traumatized my knee into total dislocation but the military denied anything wrong after a 4th meniscus surgery on my knee. I had to see a German surgeon 4 yrs after the incident to get my knee put back into correct spot only to be told I still need a knee replacement at 34 then. That rehabilitation I was off my feet for 6 months, wheelchair bounded because I cant use crutches nor a walker.It was my good knee that was damaged. Since the last surgery in 2007 I have not regained any real ability to walk long distances, or stand for long period of time. Have a lot of pain in my knee constantly.

     My hubby yes married me with a disability and it was for better or worse. But today I am pretty much in need of my wheelchair to go places that require me to walk a lot. I feel robbed and some days I just wish I were normal and could enjoy things with my kids like rollerskating, bicycling and running. I cant do any of them. I love to watch them and god has blessed me. Moral of the story don't ever judge a person by what they look like bc you cant see their pain nor disabilities always. it stings us. In all fairness I sometimes feel as though hubby has been robbed of things bc of my disability. Yes even though I can’t change my disability for what it is, It is not  like a person with an addiction can change, but it hurts all the same because I am human. I have feelings and emotions and scars to prove them.
     Although I have let go and let god many years ago  and thankful to him for all hes done for me,bc with out him I would not be here today, without him Id never finished college. I'm not done yet. He has a plan for my life. Hes working with me always.
     Please be kinder and gentler to those in your life and help serve others who are less fortunate in this world. I love serving others and helping others who are less fortunate but I want them to be encouraged and empowered not let down and feeling hopeless or worthless. There's so much more to life than material goods and our wants. Live, Love a lot,Laugh more and learn!